ThrauDown: hey, what up alli?
ALLIO27: if you're being sarcastically nice, don't
be. but if you're not, great, how are you?
ThrauDown: I am honestly doing great.
ThrauDown: I truely mean that.
ALLIO27: i'm glad to hear...honestly.
ThrauDown: I had alot of hurt, resentment and
anger building inside and although it may have
seemed like I was mad at you I really wasn't
ALLIO27: i've only had death threats etc. hear
"jake hates u" a lot from people i don't
know...when with whatever happened staying
friends was my main priority and all i seemed to
get was a lot of shit talked about me...and a
nickname. but i'm glad youre okay now. really.
ThrauDown: what was the nickname?
ALLIO27: the "a" word...
ThrauDown: at times I didn't care and at other
times I've been very hateful.
ThrauDown: I'm sorry for the way I've been
ALLIO27: pretty original...in good taste. never
had a bad one before, guess it could be worse.
In essence, i just saw how much you really cared
for the friendship, don't think i didn't feel one
ounce of pain either. And don't apologize, i
deserved most of it i guess...but not all of it.
ThrauDown: I was mad because you never
called and never seemed like you cared.
ALLIO27: you went on a "i'm not talking to alli
for a couple months" hence, i left you be
ThrauDown: I have been what you could call
"manic depressive". I might say one thing and then
be the complete opposite.
ALLIO27: i heard from reliable sources you
werent planning on talking to me for a real long
time so i resisted on talking to you thinking that's
what you wanted
ThrauDown: I did but I didn't
ALLIO27: i can't read your mind jake....how am
i suppose to know how you're going to act and
when i'm suppose to talk to you? Ya know.
ThrauDown: I've been a retard and quite frankly,
I am now glad that you didn't
ALLIO27: i never wanted it to happen how it
did...so for that i am so sorry too
ThrauDown: I'm glad that you did though. I little
bit earlier would have been nice (the breakup that
is) but I can't change the past.
ThrauDown: so why complain?
ALLIO27: i don't know how to explain it to you,
i think you'll take it one way and then you take it
the other. And dont think i never liked you either.
it's not like i had a master plan or anything.
ALLIO27: sorry i'm bitter, things have been so
tense ya know.
ALLIO27: jake, what shall we do?
ThrauDown: what do you mean?
ALLIO27: r we gonna try and work this out or
do you say "fuck it"
ThrauDown: work what out?
ALLIO27: something. I don't even know. if you
dont want to be my friend, that is fine, whatever.
but atleast we have to come to some concensus.
ThrauDown: sure, I just know that for the whole
time since you decided to break it off I've had a
major conflict inside myself and tonite a man at
the public library completely showed to me.
ThrauDown: allison, I want to be your friend.
ThrauDown: I can understand if you don't feel
the same way.
ALLIO27: no , ur wrong. i've wanted that for a
long time, but the trash talk to other people, shit
like that, when we did last talk you said i never
had to worry about friendship w/ u, but u proved
me wrong...i want us to be okay again
ThrauDown: I'm sorry, when I sed what I sed I
was very hurt. I was stupid. I told people what
happened because I was looking for an answer to
what was making me feel so bad.
ALLIO27: i'm sorry jake
ThrauDown: It's not you, its me.
ThrauDown: I apologize
ALLIO27: no, its both of us...*hug*
ThrauDown: so let me explain what's been going
on the last two weeks.
ThrauDown: from my side.
ThrauDown: I have felt like shit.
ThrauDown: when you broke up with me I was
very tired and acted very irrationally.
ThrauDown: I now know that when I get tired I
get into a funky mood.
ALLIO27: i know = )
ThrauDown: that nite, when you told me that
even if I waited around for you to free up
sometime for you, that you might not want to. it
hurt more than anything I could imagine.
ThrauDown: I didn't know why.
ALLIO27: i know, and i couldn't tell u then
because i didn't want to hurt you like that. i
didn't...so i tried to make it as stoopid as possible.
ThrauDown: I cried that nite and thought that you
never cared for me as much as I cared for you
ThrauDown: a line just came into my head that
ThrauDown: "I now know that we could never
ThrauDown: because I meant less to you than
you to me."
ALLIO27: not true, so did i...i care jake, but not
like the wayz i was trying to work out...and i'm
sorry i didn't realize sooner. It wasn't all fake ...i
don't think you'll ever believe me...
ThrauDown: I had 4 hours of sleep that nite and
felt like shit the next day.
ALLIO27: i didn't sleep
ThrauDown: I talked to josh the next day and he
already knew about our fate. I found that
extremely weird especially when I was talking to
lisa and she had not gotten the final word on us.
so you told josh and not your best friend lisa.
ALLIO27: he was just online...
ThrauDown: I was confused by that.
ThrauDown: I really was.
ALLIO27: i see, has nothing to do w/ it.
ALLIO27: lisa knew too, didn't tell u
ThrauDown: so I talked with him that nite about
it and asked him if he had any feelings for you
because he had been acting really weird.
ThrauDown: he sed yes and then asked if you
ThrauDown: and he sed that he was almost sure
ALLIO27: i wouldn't do anything, u and lisa
know this, neither would he...everything got mixed
ThrauDown: that hurt more than anything
ALLIO27: i know, ok...i know all of this.
ThrauDown: but that nite I searched deep inside
and thought about it.
ThrauDown: this might be bad to tell you but I
think honesty is the best policy.
ALLIO27: uh huh, lesson well learned all around
ThrauDown: I knew that I didn't have feelings for
you. I had feelings for the allison who was in my
head. I saw you so little that I started to think
about all the things that you could do. Visit me at
work, call me when I was lonely, make time for
me when I needed it most.
ThrauDown: I had feelings for you potential.
ThrauDown: that's why everytime we were
together I'd be dissapointed.
ThrauDown: at the end.
ALLIO27: ok, i'm starting to feel way toooooo
much hurt here. you do have a way w/ words
dear. but i'm not a rock either, or a wall okay?
Words hurt much more than anything
ThrauDown: I'd expect us to have the chemisty
and spark that separated us as friends and it was
ThrauDown: I love you allison, but as a friend.
ThrauDown: I was wrong to expect more.
ALLIO27: i love you too jake
ThrauDown: I did have feelings for you but when
something was wrong with how I felt I should
have quit, not forged forward hoping for better
ALLIO27: me too, me too
ThrauDown: I realized this and it hurt because I
was being stupid.
ALLIO27: and i was dumb. and so not myself
ThrauDown: anyways, people would always say
that it'd get better and so on and so on but it
ThrauDown: I just needed someone to care for
ALLIO27: how about now, maybe a little, or
ThrauDown: I needed to feel special and loved.
ThrauDown: hold on...it's all part of the story.
ALLIO27: would you stop! come on!!! you
have tons of people who love u, including me...
ThrauDown: I know but not in that sense.
ThrauDown: I felt so great when I thought that
"allison" would want to spend time with me all the
ThrauDown: anyways, going on.
ALLIO27: sorry...i thought so too...ok? but
really we have to move on.....
ThrauDown: I went out with laura prinne last
sunday nite and we talked about our relationships.
ThrauDown: her relationship was very similar to
ALLIO27: yah, and i'm prob. on the bitch
list...but jake, i can't turn back time, if i could then
ThrauDown: not only did it end badly but there
were scarey similarities.
ThrauDown: okay....before I continue I want you
to repeat this line "JAKE IS NOT MAD AT ME.
I WILL STOP THINKING THIS"
ALLIO27: jake, lets focus on the present...can't
handle much more guilt--k--?
ThrauDown: why guilt?
ThrauDown: I feel bad for the way I've been
acting but not guilt.
ThrauDown: I can't talk to josh about you
because I know that he felt bad for me but
secretly inside he's happy as hell about you.
ThrauDown: And lisa would keep on saying that
it gets better when it doesn't.
ThrauDown: or it didn't
ALLIO27: you keep telling me "no one loves me"
, "our relationship went badly" man it sux. i've
had long time to deal w/ this too...what do u want
me to do?
ThrauDown: it ended badly. and it felt like no
one loved me.
ThrauDown: allen and erin have been there
200% for me.
ALLIO27: you're wrong okay...so wrong. and
i'm sorry. what am i suppose to do?
ThrauDown: what do you mean
ALLIO27: now, what do i do...
ALLIO27: but if you're still down, and i'm the
problem there's something i should do
ThrauDown: you aren't the problem. I'm not
done with the story.
ThrauDown: everytime I heard you were going
out with josh or spending time with him I got so
jealous and mad because I was like "we never
had time" and so on.
ThrauDown: I felt bad about it because you were
moving right on to josh and thought nothing about
me. that's how it appeared to me.
ThrauDown: I'd ask josh if you had sed anything
about me and he'd say "yeah. she feels bad." and
that was all.
ThrauDown: same with lisa. "she really didn't
ThrauDown: stuff like that.
ALLIO27: yeah, cause i couldn't tell u how i felt
abt. josh...not then...you are way too over
analytical. how can you assume that? all i hear is
"jake hates yoU" and then i'm torn over what
happened...ask everyone. i was hurt too...you
think i like what happened?
ThrauDown: why didn't you just say "I like
josh"? that would have hurt a helluva lot more but
then I wouldn't have found out from josh.
ALLIO27: didn't know it then. u and i didn't feel
right to me. i didn't know what it was until i
figured it out.
ThrauDown: anyways. let me finish. I saw you,
josh and lisa today at water st. and I was mad.
this was the third time with him this week and that
was more than you did with me (realize this is my
old way of thinking) I got mad and just parked the
car nearby and started walking and drawing. I
ended up at the kalamazoo public library.
ThrauDown: I met a man who started talking to
ALLIO27: you can't compare u and i to josh and
i (hence josh and i aren't even together)
ThrauDown: I told him a jist of what happened
when he asked if I had any women in my life. He
told me that I needed to apologize and make
peace with you.
ThrauDown: he sed that love builds and hate
ALLIO27: did he have wooden legs?
ThrauDown: I need to call you and ask how you
ThrauDown: seriously here alli.
ALLIO27: j/k = ) sorry
ALLIO27: just trying to lighten the mood...
ThrauDown: that if I could remain friends with
you through out this whole ordeal that we could
be great friends.
ThrauDown: and I realized that he was right.
ALLIO27: best friends
ThrauDown: but I wasn't completely "cured" of
ThrauDown: and anger
ThrauDown: he told me that I am a very
controlling person and that I need to let it go.
ALLIO27: when the time is right let me know, i'm
ThrauDown: and it hit me more than anything you
ever sed to me.
ThrauDown: any of the hurt was nothing to what
ALLIO27: what dya mean?
ThrauDown: that's why I've been hateful.
ThrauDown: okay...let's go back.
ALLIO27: i know...ok...
ThrauDown: remember when I got mad at you
for bringing lisa to time alone? I felt as though I
couldn't control what was happening. Why would
I want to plan long elaborate dates? because I
ALLIO27: i know
ThrauDown: and more importantly. why was I
mad at you and josh hooking up? I didn't have
control on that either.
ALLIO27: i dunno what to say jake
ThrauDown: he sed whatever happens happens
and I now know that.
ThrauDown: I was getting scared because I
didn't have control on my emotions.
ALLIO27: but u know nothing is gonna happen
until u are understanding about how we feel about
ThrauDown: I displaced my fear onto you in the
way of anger.
ALLIO27: i know
ThrauDown: but now I think I did have feelings
for you. and I can't control them either.
ALLIO27: i know, u hated me...hate...whatever
ALLIO27: i just want us to be cool again, for all
to be cool.
ALLIO27: but i understand if it'll be a while
ThrauDown: I don't know how I'll still feel about
you and josh but I know I can't do anything.
ThrauDown: I've told you my story, you tell me
ALLIO27: why what? i cant' right now, have to
wake up in 4 hours for dryland. In
essence...something was telling me things weren't
right when i realized my heart wasn't where my
ALLIO27: i cared so much but you're so hard to
ALLIO27: communicate too
ThrauDown: did you try your hardest?
ALLIO27: i thought you'd understand but it all
ALLIO27: you hated me, i was scared
ThrauDown: wait. did you try your hardest.
ThrauDown: did you call me with your concerns?
ThrauDown: did you try to compromise?
ALLIO27: i knew it wasn't right and i cant do
anything about that...try hardest for what? to
explain to you why?
ALLIO27: i didn't even know , i followed my
heart, i'm sorry
ThrauDown: no. I felt like you didn't care
because you didn't want to go out because you
were tired or something but I never talked to you
about my concerns because I didn't want to rock
the boat and make a big deal.
ThrauDown: that's my fault.
ThrauDown: I didn't communicate but as you
sed. it is a 50-50 deal.
ALLIO27: i know but no matter what, it wouldnt
have worked out. i just hope we're enough of
friends to work through this
ThrauDown: allison, I could hang out with you
tomorrow if you wanted to.
ThrauDown: I have no bad feelings for you.
ThrauDown: I think it could have but not
ALLIO27: swim meet. But seriously i want to
ALLIO27: i know jake, but i just want to know
ThrauDown: note. I have been compulsive lately
so don't mark my words about josh and you.
ALLIO27: what words?
ThrauDown: I think that if you two want to hook
up that I won't be comfortable about it but I can't
do anything about it.
ALLIO27: depends who you want to make
happy jake, just think about that and move from
there. well, i really have to go to bed...can i call u
sometime this weekend?
ThrauDown: please don't do this to me.
ALLIO27: to talk
ThrauDown: we left last time so unfinished.
ALLIO27: what? IT's late, i have morning
practice, here goes: i think we could be great
friends...i wanna try to
ALLIO27: if u want to...but i really have to go
ThrauDown: I'm going to have to catch you
online at 5 in the afternoon from now on.
ALLIO27: 7, always on around 9 though
ThrauDown: okay. you want communication?
ALLIO27: check email everymorning. yeah....
ALLIO27: gotta go seriously...goodnite jake,
glad we can talk again. i hope we're ok sooner or
ThrauDown: okay. I feel as though this issue is
not important enough to stay up for.
ALLIO27: whatever, i'm gonna get in trouble.
ALLIO27: please understand...try to go over 'alli
online too long' bye